when i think about my past and the self-sabotaging patterns i’ve witnessed myself in, i wonder how i didn’t see the repetition then. but the thing is, i did. or at least i felt it, even if i couldn't assign it a name or match the feeling with thing amplifying it.
i’ve always known when things didn’t feel right. the sense/skill it took longer to develop was that of LISTENING to my internal feeling and trusting that. unraveling what’s *jodye* from the endless barrage of *other* in all its forms: friends, family, social media, ideas swirling through the ether, opinions i heard years ago that i allowed to be louder than my own, stories of the past living in my body. and more.
in a way i time-traveled to points in the past every time i encountered a feeling i didn’t want to face. traveled back to moments i believed might help me predict the future. moments that catapulted me back into the same pattern i had the opportunity to step out of if i chose to pay attention and respond to the present - all that was present in my body - all the information i needed about what was happening. here. and. now.
what i choose to ask now is, “what is true in this version of reality? how do i feel now? what do i want now?” and separate that from the clutter that is everything else. the perceived threat of historical beliefs coming to fruition or my projections into the future based on that outdated perception. it’s all a story, i know. and still, i have to check myself.
when i act on impulse - the fear that if i don’t choose now the world will end or it’ll lose my chance fo SOMETHING will be taken from me - that’s fear choosing for me - clinging to the old because i don’t know what the future holds.
i choose to allow myself to simmer slowly until my body becomes a distilled expression of my inner truth.
i cast aside the idea that i should respond immediately to anything. or that i should come up with an answer i don’t yet have just to fill the void of the unknown for a moment.
that’s all just instant gratification whose high i ride for 5 minutes before it fades and i’m back to the same feeling i never acknowledged, still simmering, still waiting for me to open the lid and let the steam wash over me, open my pores, seep its truth into my being like the water i need to live.
for me, the issue was never that i lacked the ability to feel. to the contrary, i feel everything deeply. what took time to hone is the skill of discernment which allows me to remove myself from the stew of other asking me to act now or forever hold my peace.
my pace is not an always rolling boil but a slow burn. not just the wave crashing on the shore in some grand display. it doesn’t always have to appear that i’m DOING something (though my leo rising does enjoy that…)
the whole of me is (ideally) always riding a wave from start to finish. sometimes i enter a whirlpool, or get trapped behind a dam, or swallowed by a whale before i reach the finish. though it’s never really finished is it? the ending of one happening rolls right into the beginning of the next.
i feel the slow and steady rumblings from below just as i do those above. a pull to express the unseen. to make those invisible happenings manifest in my world.
i feel all the little ripples traveling from the depth and expanses of the ocean making their way to the breaking point which is the distinction between “me” and my perception of who i should be.
do these waves express through me purely? as *my* emotions - my energy in motion?
my purest expression is not just the wave crashing on the shore, but what i choose to pick up after. with every crash there comes debris. but i don’t have to pick up every stone and shell i see.
what do i really want to keep?
that is the question.